I ran across this article, “The Patriarchy of Sex” by Amber Genuske in the Huffington Post, and after talking with admin Kia and thought it might be a good starting post on the GoodBlackLoving blog. This commentary is just my personal opinion and reflects my thoughts on the matter.
After reading this article, I felt that sometimes women take a back seat when it comes to their own sexual pleasure. Many women do not experience orgasms or not as many orgasms as men do when having sex. In these instances, women allow their needs to go unfulfilled while the man reaps all the benefits of their nether-regions. I believe that the problem stems from the fact that some women are scared on themselves. Literally. We live in a society that exploits our sexuality and condemns it at the same time. Many women are afraid to touch themselves and/or pleasure themselves. It is often seen as a bad thing to do so, in the case of women. On the other hand, it is passed off as a normal thing for men.
Although men play a part in this story, it is a woman’s responsibility to know her own body. Women cannot expect a man to figure out their body for them. If you don’t know what you want, he won’t know either. Women don’t have to lie down like blow up dolls and be a man’s sexual object; women are more than vehicles for the male orgasm.
Fear, ignorance, and naiveté are the problem. Women don’t have to fear their bodies or what it means to be a sexual being. Women are always told what they should be doing and not what they could be doing. Some women are ignorant of what they can do sexually for themselves. It is okay to explore your own body. And the naiveté keeps women from the realization that no one is going to tell you all this and that men don’t always have your sexual interests in mind. Sometimes a man isn’t going to ask you if you want an orgasm. They might assume that it could possibly happen sometime during sex or that if we wanted it, we would ask.
It generally seems that it is easier for men to orgasm during sex than women. It might take a while for some women to realize that. But women can orgasm too with maybe a little extra time and effort put into it. Overall, effective communication with your partner about what you want from your sexual experience is key. Every woman is different and every woman has different sexual needs, desires, turn-ons, etc.
In all fairness, I don’t think that women should feel obligated to do whatever the man wants when it comes to sex. They shouldn’t feel like they have to do something especially when it isn’t stimulating to them. The woman and her needs are just as important as the man and his needs. But men aren’t taught to put women’s sexual needs first. Lack of communicating what you want is the biggest issue.
Early on, it is understandable that some women, especially those who haven’t explored their bodies, don’t know what they’re supposed to feel and just lay there waiting for something to happen. But they have to realize that they need to be more engaged in their sex. Sexual intercourse includes two people. Women don’t have to just go with things that aren’t pleasing them. I’m not sure if some women just enjoy the closeness of being with someone that they neglect thought of their own orgasm. Or maybe women are scared to say stop once they’ve started or don’t want to make things awkward with their partner. Either way, women do have a voice. They have a say in the sex they have and how they want it to feel. If you’re not getting what you want, why go through with it? It’s okay to say you’re not enjoying things and to ask for something different.
Women need to get over their insecurities about their vaginas. It’s your vagina and it’s your body; you should appreciate it for its complexity and beauty. We, as women, can’t expect men to know what to do to and for us. Women have to take charge of their bodies and let men know what we want, what we want to feel, and what they can do to us. We are not a man’s plaything. Women have sexual needs.
I think another issue is age. With young people, a lot of time is spent on enforcing preventative and protective measures with sex. It is definitely important to protect yourself when having sex. But, people are going to have sex when they want to. This problem is no one is saying sex is okay. Sex is often vilified or overtly exploited. But sex is okay and your body is okay and figuring out what you like sexually is okay. You don’t have to be afraid of it. We aren’t taught about sex and how our bodies should feel or how we can make our bodies feel. It can be a struggle to figure it all out in the beginning of your sexual life. It’s a fumbling time, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep fumbling the ball.
Another issue is waiting for marriage. We hear that we’re supposed to wait for our husband. And that God doesn’t want us to have sex outside of marriage. In some ways now, after having my own person experiences, it could be a good point. We fumble sexually from person to person looking for desires (sexual or otherwise) to be met or looking for the right person in general. Maybe if we waited for that special person that God has designed for us, we would reach that level of mental, emotional, and even sexual fulfillment and enjoyment because we’re with the right person. But I also understand that many people will not end up waiting and that’s okay too. People will judge no matter what you do so it’s your choice in how you handle your sexual endeavors.
For all the women who are just embarking or continuing your sexual journey, just know that you have the power in your hands, literally and figuratively. If sex is want you want to do, you have a right to express what you from it. Let men know that you want your orgasm. Let your man know what you really want. Your sexuality is yours to take hold of. We don’t have to let our voices hide because we’re afraid. And frankly if you are afraid, you probably shouldn’t be having sex anyhow.