Open Communication and Safe Words in BDSM

One part of BDSM that is not often discussed or acknowledged is the aspect of consent. When participating in Dom/sub roles, you have to both discuss the roles first. It’s very easy to get carried away, and then one person gets hurt or someone is unhappy.

You first have to discuss with your partner what is and isn’t off limits. If you are ok with biting but not ok with choking, make that known. Toys should be introduced prior to the act as well, so nobody is uncomfortable or too surprised.

Also, safe words are highly encouraged. Many of us have seen Kevin Hart’s standup where he says that he said “pineapples” to his girlfriend for doing something that wasn’t sexy. As funny as it was, that’s considered a safe word, something sort of like STOP. Based off of the standup, my safe word is strawberries. Haha. Some in the BDSM community use green, yellow, and red as code words.

GREEN: Everything is ok, I feel good, keep going.

YELLOW: Something you’re doing hurts/makes me uncomfortable, let’s try something different and keep going.

RED: You’re hurting me, I’m uncomfortable, please stop immediately.

Open dialogue is encouraged when “playing”. If you feel like you can’t talk to you partner openly and tell him/her what you do and don’t like, maybe that isn’t a person you should be having sex with. BDSM can be fun and empowering for both partners, but you have to set up rules. It’s not like we see on TV where one person just has their way with the other, hits them, penetrates them, and expects them to say nothing. THAT is called rape and abuse. There is a huge difference.

Just my tidbit on the safe words. Happy playing.

– K. P.

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