Y’all, I thought about buying some lingerie since it’s on sale for Black Friday and Cyber Monday and all that shit. Then I remembered my last debacle with some lingerie and I just decided not to.
This all started during my bachelorette weekend back in August. (Oh yeah. I have to share some wedding photos and a post with you guys. Hands down one of the most stressful times of my life.) My bridesmaids took me to Onyx, a strip club here in the A, and I LOVED IT. I felt like I had enough curves to rock some lingerie like those beauties in the club, so we hit up Tokyo Valentino down the street – because you know how much I love that place – and I decided to grab a sexy piece. It was all black, had metal rings around the nipples, and had straps across the breasts, sides, and ass. I wish I had taken a picture.
So we got to my maid of honor’s house where we were all having a big sleepover. I asked the girls to help me figure out how to get in this piece. Two of them were holding the straps in the supposed place where my leg should go, I’m stark naked trying to hold my tits in place, all while trying to keep my balance while we figure out the straps. We finally powered through, but I knew I was gonna struggle when it came time to wear it for Hubs.
Fast forward. I put it on for Hubs, it took about five minutes to put on (PRAISE), but it only stayed on for about five minutes after he laid eyes on it. I begged him to just let me leave it on and pull it to the side since it was such a hassle, but to no avail.
So, fast forward again, we had to wash this thing.
I SHIT YOU NOT, I sat for THIRTY MINUTES trying to untangle this incredulous ball of straps, lace, and elastic. I was sweating. I almost cried. I quit. I gave it to my husband, he couldn’t figure it out either. Fucking A. It remains in a tangled black ball of junk in my bedroom because I simply can’t.
So now I’m just pretty jaded.
I must also add that as a curvy girl with big thighs and ass, it’s a little difficult to really fit the “one size fits all” lingerie. It really doesn’t… and if you’re “bottom heavy”, not really proportional, or in between sizes (like you’re not quite in the plus sizes, but the other sizes don’t fit nicely)… you just have to experiment to find which pieces work well for you.
My main issue with lingerie, besides it being overpriced in my opinion, is that it doesn’t have much lasting power. I put it on, and my husband snatches it off within minutes. Not only that, but after a few wears and washes, the lace lingerie gets sort of ratty and such. And of course, you may never get it untangled in your life.
BUT. For you ladies who are far more brave than I, Fredrick’s of Hollywood is having a pretty good 50% off sale.
Unbound, which is quickly becoming one of my new favorite stores, is having a 30% off sale too. I dig them for their sex accessories like jewelry, condoms, lingerie, and a LOT of vibes.
Check it out, and good luck. If you have any lingerie horror stories, I would love to hear them! We can revel in the tragedy together.