Open Communication and Safe Words in BDSM

One part of BDSM that is not often discussed or acknowledged is the aspect of consent. When participating in Dom/sub roles, you have to both discuss the roles first. It’s very easy to get carried away, and then one person gets hurt or someone is unhappy.

You first have to discuss with your partner what is and isn’t off limits. If you are ok with biting but not ok with choking, make that known. Toys should be introduced prior to the act as well, so nobody is uncomfortable or too surprised.

Also, safe words are highly encouraged. Many of us have seen Kevin Hart’s standup where he says that he said “pineapples” to his girlfriend for doing something that wasn’t sexy. As funny as it was, that’s considered a safe word, something sort of like STOP. Based off of the standup, my safe word is strawberries. Haha. Some in the BDSM community use green, yellow, and red as code words.

GREEN: Everything is ok, I feel good, keep going.

YELLOW: Something you’re doing hurts/makes me uncomfortable, let’s try something different and keep going.

RED: You’re hurting me, I’m uncomfortable, please stop immediately.

Open dialogue is encouraged when “playing”. If you feel like you can’t talk to you partner openly and tell him/her what you do and don’t like, maybe that isn’t a person you should be having sex with. BDSM can be fun and empowering for both partners, but you have to set up rules. It’s not like we see on TV where one person just has their way with the other, hits them, penetrates them, and expects them to say nothing. THAT is called rape and abuse. There is a huge difference.

Just my tidbit on the safe words. Happy playing.

– K. P.

Cuffs, Collars, What D/s Means to Me

I’ve done a bunch of research on BDSM in the Black community lately. It’s very fascinating that it’s not very popular in our community, and I’m not exactly sure why that is, but I’m gonna do some pondering and write on it later.

Meanwhile… I got my chain for the copper bangle cuffs I want to make. It’s so heavy, so I know it will be sturdy to withstand some restraint pressure, and it’s shiny and very nice looking. Just waiting on the bangles. Only thing I hate about copper is that it patinas, which is when you see how copper darkens and isn’t as bright and shiny forever. You can polish it up to get that shine back, or just keep the new darker caramel-ish colored metal. Still not bad, I just like shiny. Here’s the chain (attached to my earrings… Just as an example).

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Also… Hubs bought me a collar. I’m very VERY excited. Stainless steel and sterling silver, with a padlock. Made by the lovely couple of To Be His collars… So I know it’s gonna be legit. We haven’t established rules to the collar yet, but I have the understanding that I won’t be able to remove it unless absolutely necessary, and he will have the key.

Collars provide the feeling of control in a D/s relationship for both parties. It’s a stimulating thing, and I think what people don’t understand about D/s is that it’s consensual and respectful. My husband respects and loves me, and the feeling is mutual. The desire to practice in the lifestyle doesn’t make you abnormal or weird; some people just enjoy a little more kink than others and choose to make it a lifestyle choice.

Being collared (when your partner puts a piece of jewelry, be it a bracelet, necklace, collar, anklet, etc) holds symbolism, like you are relinquishing and allowing and TRUSTING yourself to this person in every way. And, being already married, it’s a pretty intense thing. I’ve already given myself to my husband, but this is in a different way. Pretty thrilling.

Try it out. Start slow… Blindfolds, wrist restraints. Then maybe up it and allow yourself to be submissive to your partner and let him “have his way” (but discuss it beforehand so nothing gets out of hand) and have a safe word in case things get too wild or painful. Per Kevin Hart, pineapples is always effective. Then if you’re down for the commitment thing or enjoy a daily reminder of kink, dominance, and submission, try the locking jewelry. It reminds me daily of sex, my husband’s loving dominance, and our commitment.

It really is powerful. Fifty Shades sheds improper lighting on what BDSM is about. Look into it for yourself, y’all.

– K. P.

Review: Unbound Box (plus 20% off!)

I began my search for an adult subscription box a little while ago. I wanted to find a box that had high quality items for a decent price so I wouldn’t have to go search for things myself, but usually these boxes contain products you don’t typically find in your local sex shops.

I came across a list of adult boxes and began clicking away, hoping to find one that suits my desires and preferences. I got a bit distraught and only saw one that peaked my interest as I went down the alphabetically-ordered list (The Fantasy Box, which I will touch on later), until I got to the end of the list and saw…

THE UNBOUND BOX.

From the website to the contents of the box, I was sold. Elegant, dark, sexy… All of which fit me. I HAD to find out more. I wanted to be sure before I subscribed though, and I wanted to make sure it was truly as good as it seemed.

And I tell you… IT IS.

The Unbound Box is a quarterly box, meaning you receive a box every three months. You pay $65 a quarter which is a little more than I am used to paying for a subscription box, but after reviewing the contents of the box, I understand why. Unbound packs their boxes with high-end products from high-class brands (JimmyJane, Good Clean Love, Sustain, Maison Close, Lelo, etc.) and does not disappoint.

I received the September Erotic Education Box for review (and by the way, their customer service is absolutely fabulous, which is ALWAYS a plus for me with a company). Whoa buddy. I love everything in this box.

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This is all the items from the box. They arrived in a black cardboard box, wrapped in purple tissue paper. Simple packaging, I didn’t have to fiddle with it too much to get everything out. I laid everything out and got to exploring.

Sustain Condoms are pretty legit.

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They are eco-friendly and socially conscious too! 10% of the pretax proceeds from their condoms go to helping women who don’t have access to STD testing, breast exams, family planning, and other basic feminine health concerns. Cool huh? And they are vegan and fair trade certified, individually tested, use premium latex, and are fragrance free! Sustain makes ultra thin, tailored fit (a little more snug), and comfort fit (a little wider at the tip so your guy can feel you more at the head). Check them out here, they come in packs of 3 and 10.

Unfortunately (sorta) I haven’t seen the inside of a condom packet in years so… I won’t know how awesome they are. But I so encourage everyone else to try them out!

Next, we have a bralette and ruler from Maison Close.

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Now these two were SO hot to me. The bralette is actually…

A CUPLESS BRA.

A bra with no cups. Just… Elastic and lace. This is how it’s supposed to fit.

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I personally don’t do lingerie because with Hubs, it’s a waste. I buy it, look hella sexy, he gawks at it for all of 90 seconds, I turn around and bend over or something, and he says, “Aight, now take it off.” And we have sex.

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Lace wasted. But with this, it doesn’t have to come off, and you get all the sexiness of nudity and lingerie combined. And this ruler! A sexy oversized (40 inch) wooden ruler with gold printing and a pretty gold tassel, housed in a velvet pouch. Perfect for spanking, and Unbound did a great job of including this in this box for it’s “lesson”, which is “Erotic Education”. Clever! Another win.

Next on the list, we have the Babeland Honey Vanilla Massage candle.

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For starters, Babeland is a FANTASTIC company to begin with. They donate and support different causes with their sex toys, and they often have a lot of eco-friendly and sustainable products. But this candle… wow. I loooove everything chocolate, vanilla, honey, marzipan, almond… Pretty much anything that smells like pastries and non-fruit dessert. This candle smells like sex and candy in a jar *cue Marcy Playground’s “Sex and Candy”*. The scent is sweet but not sickly, but a sexy sweet that will make your partner want to lick you all over. When you light the candle, it melts into an oil that you can use for massage, lotion, whatever. SCORE, because it smells so good I wanna use it as lotion. And underneath the lid, there’s a mini brush so you can brush on the oil! The candle is packed with natural ingredients; the only artificial thing in there is the fragrance and even that is phthalate-free. I can’t wait to slather some on after I light this candle, maybe with a warm bath full of bubbles and bath oil.

And Unbound has included a matchbox so you can light the candle. It’s a one-stop shop with this box.

And last but totally not least: The Big Book of Submission, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

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This is an erotica book filled with 69 (heh) kinky tales and stories featuring dominance, submission, bondage, and all types of sexiness. Being that Hubs and I are into the D/s (Dominance/submission) scene, this added just the right OOMPH to this box. I only read one story so far, but hot damn. I’m probably gonna read more tonight. If you liked 50 Shades (I didn’t read it… Tragic, I know), I’m sure you’ll dig this.

So this is how I think the box usage will go for some folks:
-You will read The Big Book of Submission and get turned on like crazy
-You will slip on the bra from Maison Close and find your partner
-Begin make out session
-You will have your partner give you a sexy massage with the Babeland Honey Vanilla massage candle (lit with the Unbound matches)
-He will slip on the Sustain condoms, grab the ruler from Maison Close, and you will have some of the hottest sex of your life.

My prediction.

Overall, I think this box was absolutely perfect. It had a plethora of all sorts of products, including brands I have never heard of. I love that the candle is natural and has such a sexy REAL smell, and the condoms are vegan and eco-friendly. The items from Maison Close are unique and uber hot, and The Big Book of Submission is just the right thing to get you in the mood and sort of get your feet wet in the BDSM world.

My only criticism of the box is that it’s only every 3 months. As good as it is, I would want it every 1 or 2 months!

I’m definitely subscribing after reviewing this box. I feel like it was made for me and my interests, the products included are high quality and very unique, and you can tell that they try their best to make sure their customers are taken care of and have the BEST.

If you want to subscribe, use code GBL20 for 20% off of your first box! Trust me… It’s ALL THE WAY worth it. Subscribe here!

I’ll be sitting with a cup of tea reading this book tonight. Only a few stories a night. I think Hubs will be pleased… I KNOW I will.

GREAT job, Unbound.

-K. P.

For the Fellas: “Whiskey Dick”, E.D., and Moderate Alcohol Consumption

Since I was sick this week, I had my first taste of whiskey (Jack Daniels, to be exact) in a Hot Toddy due to whiskey’s immune-boosting capacity. The mixture consisted of honey, lemon juice, water, and Jack.

IT. WAS. AWESOME. I’m seriously gonna drink more tonight just because I can.

But then I started thinking of how I heard about “Whiskey Dick” before, which apparently is when a guy can’t perform sexually because he’s too drunk. And when I say can’t perform, I’m saying he can’t get it up. This is due to the sedative effect alcohol has on the central nervous system, and makes the body (and penis) numb to external stimuli (i.e., a naked chick, boobs, the like).  Why is whiskey deemed the culprit of this, I have no idea. But of course ANY alcohol in excess has this effect, so downing a few shots of Jack won’t mess you up too bad; in fact, small amounts of alcohol are said to IMPROVE a man’s erection. Improve, like making the erections harder and larger. Fascinating.

Also, moderate alcohol drinkers are 20-30% less likely to have erectile dysfunction than those who don’t drink. Gives you guys a little excuse to throw one back every now and then, huh?

Whiskey in particular has a few pretty good health benefits including increased heart health, reducing the chance of diabetes by as much as 30-40%, and reducing chances of dementia, and reducing blood clots. Other hard liquors I’m sure have their own beneficial properties as well, so check out your favorite liquor to see what it can do for you.

But PLEASE do not forget… DRINKING IN MODERATION IS THE KEY. Don’t go get drunk off your ass and then say “My heart will be healthier and my dick will be a fucking monster.” That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

Enjoy a drink every now and then, enjoy the health and sex benefits. Take a shot of Jack, or try that Hot Toddy next time you catch a cold. Good stuff, man.

– K. P.

G Marks the Spot… Can You Find It?

Many women are unfamiliar with where the G-spot is located or what it even is. The G-spot, or Gräfenberg spot, is located along the anterior (front) wall of the vagina, usually 1-3 inches in.

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(So FYI, if a dude is telling you he needs to go deep to get you off, it’s bullshit. Only thing that’s gonna happen is him banging up against your cervix, which can cause CRAZY pain and cervical bruising.)

Given the location of the spot, certain positions and angles often help with stimulation. I’ve noticed two positions in particular that are pretty simple with just slight modifications.

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Lying on your back, have your partner hold your legs up, or place your feet on his chest or shoulders, depending on your flexibility. This angle raises the hips so that his penis has the ability to rub right against the G-spot easily.he doesn’t have to go too deep either; the angle of the hips and legs makes G-spot stimulation attainable.

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(The photo cracks me up… They look way too blissful.)
An age old favorite, from behind. You don’t necessarily have to be standing; the woman can be bent over a table or chair, or both partners can be on their knees. This angle places the G-spot in a different position (sort of “upside down”), so if it can’t be hit in other positions, usually it can be hit in this one. Once again, deep penetration isn’t necessary for the G-spot to be stimulated, but if deep is your thing, go for it!
Ladies, arch your back downward and rest on your forearms to take some if the pressure off of your arms. The more you’re able to relax, the more you can enjoy yourself. And have him grab your hips or rub your back… It makes a world of difference!

These are jus my personal top two, proven success! What other positions do you find hit your spot the best?

– K. P.

For my plus size ladies!

For the longest when having sex I would keep a shirt on. I felt so uncomfortable showing my body. It wasn’t until 3 years later being with my man that I finally felt comfortable. One day while having sex he told me to take off my shirt. Hesitant at first, I finally agreed to do it. Things went to 0 to 100 real quick! There’s is no better feeling than skin to skin. Sweat against sweat! Makes the sex a million times better. All men have preferences, but if your man likes meat on the bones, FLAUNT IT DARLING! Don’t be scared! Everybody can’t be skinny, so be a confident chubby girl. It takes a real man to handle all that!

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Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

Admin Highlight: K. P.

Hey there!
Well, I’m Kia P., and I am one of the three admins of GBL and the site founder.

I am a 24 year old nurse, born and raised in Georgia. I specialized in labor and delivery nursing for a while, then switched to mental health. The switch has allowed me to better counsel women (and some men) on relationships and sexual health. I have always been fascinated with sexual health since I was young, and I plan to become a women’s health nurse practitioner with a sexual health concentration.

I am a huge football fan (Falcons, baby… RISE UP!), and I am an artist when I’m not being a nurse. I sell my artwork and I really enjoy painting black art, nudes, and abstract work. I will be posting my art periodically here, of course.

I got married to my college sweetheart August 18, 2014, and our relationship has been one of the best adventures of my life. We are both very sexual people, and he has encouraged me to embark on this journey to help others awaken the sexual being inside of them with no fear or shame.

What am I into…?
Sensuality. Passion. Everything organic. Intimacy. Satin. Sweetness. Scents. Candles. Tattoos. Piercings. Ankle restraints. Wrist restraints. Blindfolds. To be continued…

Can’t wait to share with and explore with you guys!IMG_0681.JPG

Hey y’all!

So I am just now getting into this blogging thing… It may take a minute for me to get fully adjusted.
I decided to start this blog as a means for open sexual discussion and freedom among black women and couples. There really isn’t a lot out there for us, and the little bit that’s out there damn sure isn’t very positive. So I wanted to create an area for positive expression, exploration, and joy.
I (and my two lovely partners on the site) plan to review different sex toys and accessories, share opinions on issues that pertain to black feminism and sexuality, discuss sex and sexually-related topics openly, answer questions, and help others accept and enjoy their sexuality.
Enjoy the ride! IMG_1543.JPG