My Personal Vendetta Against Lingerie

Y’all, I thought about buying some lingerie since it’s on sale for Black Friday and Cyber Monday and all that shit. Then I remembered my last debacle with some lingerie and I just decided not to.

This all started during my bachelorette weekend back in August. (Oh yeah. I have to share some wedding photos and a post with you guys. Hands down one of the most stressful times of my life.) My bridesmaids took me to Onyx, a strip club here in the A, and I LOVED IT. I felt like I had enough curves to rock some lingerie like those beauties in the club, so we hit up Tokyo Valentino down the street – because you know how much I love that place – and I decided to grab a sexy piece. It was all black, had metal rings around the nipples, and had straps across the breasts, sides, and ass. I wish I had taken a picture.

So we got to my maid of honor’s house where we were all having a big sleepover. I asked the girls to help me figure out how to get in this piece. Two of them were holding the straps in the supposed place where my leg should go, I’m stark naked trying to hold my tits in place, all while trying to keep my balance while we figure out the straps. We finally powered through, but I knew I was gonna struggle when it came time to wear it for Hubs.

Fast forward. I put it on for Hubs, it took about five minutes to put on (PRAISE), but it only stayed on for about five minutes after he laid eyes on it. I begged him to just let me leave it on and pull it to the side since it was such a hassle, but to no avail.

So, fast forward again, we had to wash this thing.

I SHIT YOU NOT, I sat for THIRTY MINUTES trying to untangle this incredulous ball of straps, lace, and elastic. I was sweating. I almost cried. I quit. I gave it to my husband, he couldn’t figure it out either. Fucking A. It remains in a tangled black ball of junk in my bedroom because I simply can’t.

So now I’m just pretty jaded.

I must also add that as a curvy girl with big thighs and ass, it’s a little difficult to really fit the “one size fits all” lingerie. It really doesn’t… and if you’re “bottom heavy”, not really proportional, or in between sizes (like you’re not quite in the plus sizes, but the other sizes don’t fit nicely)… you just have to experiment to find which pieces work well for you.

My main issue with lingerie, besides it being overpriced in my opinion, is that it doesn’t have much lasting power. I put it on, and my husband snatches it off within minutes. Not only that, but after a few wears and washes, the lace lingerie gets sort of ratty and such. And of course, you may never get it untangled in your life.

BUT. For you ladies who are far more brave than I, Fredrick’s of Hollywood is having a pretty good 50% off sale.

Unbound, which is quickly becoming one of my new favorite stores, is having a 30% off sale too. I dig them for their sex accessories like jewelry, condoms, lingerie, and a LOT of vibes.

Check it out, and good luck. If you have any lingerie horror stories, I would love to hear them! We can revel in the tragedy together.

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I’m Back! 

It’s been a while! Sorry folks! 

We moved into our first place, I started my new job, and I’ve been getting adjusted. Needless to say, I didn’t have a whole lot of time to write. 

Nor did I have a whole lot of drive to be intimate with Hubs. I told myself we were gonna have sex multiple times a week plus some. While that stands true, life has bogged us down to where it’s more like a duty or chore for me and it’s not as enjoyable as I would like. 

I received some advice recently: Don’t let anything or anyone get in the way of enjoying your spouse. It’s so true. Life is gonna happen. Our spouse and his/her body is supposed to be our refuge and our getaway. We are supposed to use sex as our release, our pleasure, and our safe place where nothing else matters.

I hope this helps someone today! I’m gonna take my own advice when he gets back home! 

FML Friday

It’s been a long time since I’ve been absolutely mortified. Today was one of those days.

So I had to replace my wedding band because a couple of stones are missing, and the new one was being shipped. I couldn’t find the tracking info either, but I knew it was being sent to my dad’s house via FedEx.

I also forgot that I had other packages sent to my dad’s house.

So he texts me today, telling me that I have a small package that arrived today via FedEx. He asked if I wanted him to open it, I said “Yeah!” I was so excited!!!

He texts me back…

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Sigh. My vibrator from JimmyJane arrived via FedEx… I didn’t know. OH MY GOODNESS. I could have died.

Moral of the story: open your own mail.

That is all.

-K. P.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s 2015 y’all!!! We made it to another year! My resolution is…

Ok I lied. I don’t do resolutions… However, Hubs and I made an agreement for a sexual goal this year. Today starts our first New Year as a married couple, and we are gonna do what married folk do.

Our goal? Have sex a minimum of 300 days of this coming year. If not 300 days, 300 times. Doable? I think yes. I’m excited!!! Hubs is too. Of course we are gonna continue to explore and expand and enjoy each other. This is gonna be amazing!!!

What are your sexual resolutions? Of you don’t have one, figure one out!

-K. P.

Late Night Thoughts – 12.7.14

I’m thrilled that we currently have a 3 or 4 night streak going on with sex. Only reason I noticed was because I was wondering why I’ve been so nice.

“I’ll wake you up in the morning, baby. What time do you need me to get you up? Oh, I’ll get up at 0645, put on clothes, run down and grab you breakfast, and make sure you’re fed.”

I might as well have offered to suck his toes and iron his clothes for the next week. I’m too BALLER for this.

Moral of this story: happy wife, happy life. And apparently sex equals happiness, which equals me being less of a horrid bitch as often.

Are you nicer to your partner/spouse after a romp or two? What’s the longest sex streak you’ve had where you had sex EVERY DAY? A week? Two days? A month? (That’s excessive.)

– K. P.

WTF Wednesday: Late Night Debates

I can’t tell if this story makes our marriage loserish or pretty fucking awesome.

I spent hours cooking last night (I made a great gluten free cake with chia seeds and apples and cinnamon… And some pizza muffins) and we decided to watch a movie before bed tonight. Earlier, he had made me some gluten free pancakes and some beef bacon. He got some MAJOR points for that one. We have been talking about watching Harry Potter for a few days, but we didn’t get around to it.

We legit debated watching porn or watching Harry Potter. Like, PONDERED. Lol. Which one do you think we chose?

Yeah. I think this means that our marriage is pretty damn great.

-K. P.

TMI Tuesdays: One Size Fits All Lingerie Problems

Tonight, on TMI Tuesdays, I’m gonna start with a lingerie post.

Have any of you bought a piece of lingerie that looked GORGEOUS on a model or in the store, with the lace perfect, the bows pretty and silky, and just your size…

..and then you get home and look like this?

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Yeah… That’s how I feel. Lol.

I got The Fantasy Box for this month, which has been totally demolished (I’ll review that later, if we ever actually use it) because it was full of lingerie. Of the three lingerie sets, there was this one piece I was puzzled about. This lacy contraption had long sleeves and was full lace, and it was one size fits all.

…oh.

I’m a barely B cup, and my ass is a barely-fits-in-my-pants. I couldn’t figure out how this was gonna work. My mother in law said it should fit like a nightgown sorta, and it should come to maybe my upper thigh.

I put it on after my shower, and felt dumb as all get out. The sleeves proved to be a little troublesome, I thought I was gonna rip it, my wedding ring got caught a few times, and I didn’t know how far down it was gonna cover. This thing was FULL LACE, almost fully transparent, and I wasn’t sure how sexy I could really be.

Then I realized that I hadn’t dried off. That may complicate things a little, huh?

So after I dried off totally, I understood the concept. It’s one size fits all, which I think is false. My small boobs fit, but it was still a little snug. However, there was just enough give around my ass to cling without being too tight. I just think that if my breasts were ONE cup size bigger, I would probably be suffocating.

Overall, I think the piece is gorgeous on my body (Yes, that’s me in the main pic). It clings to just the right parts, it gives off a sexy, elegant feel, and Hubs likes it a lot. Any time I get “that ass though…” when I’m wearing something is a compliment, I presume.

I began listening to Miguel’s music (specifically Pussy Is Mine, Vixen, The Thrill, etc…) and… It’s time for me to go. Hubs is summoning me.

Moral of this story: if you’re gifted in the breasts or booty, think before purchasing a one size fits all lingerie piece. You may or may not be
disappointed. And listen to Miguel.

Night!

– K. P.

Lady Love – Admiration for the Female Form

So I have been slack, and I’m fully aware.

Slap me. Go ahead. I’m ashamed.

But, I just had a random epiphany that I wanted to share with y’all… And which I need to do more often.

I got back into my painting lately, and I got an order for an erotic lesbian piece. I don’t get orders for LGBT pieces often, but I obliged and it’s beautiful.

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One thing I love about this is the female form. To be straight, I have a serious love for the female body. Our bodies are so complex, and our curves are enough to leave someone weak in the knees. And I absolutely love painting the curves and the female body. It’s a gorgeous thing.

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I mean, Coke bottles are shaped like US, not the other way around. We are BEAUTIFUL. I don’t think there’s an issue admitting that a woman’s body is gorgeous. I just see issue with not RESPECTING that beautiful body… But that’s a post for another night.

Find a lady form to love on tonight… Even if it’s your own. I’m gonna keep painting and drawing nude ladies.

– K. P.

Ramblings – 11.10.14

Remember that post about women wanting sex as often as men? And about how some women get grumpy after no sex for a while?

Yeah. I’m sitting here like:

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It’s been a few days, and Hubs is currently laying on me and being awkward as shit, but no getting down as of now.

To make matters worse, he’s reading me type and laughing. Asshole.

Anyway, just wanted to share my current situation. Hope someone else is getting lucky tonight… Because apparently it’s not my black ass.

– K. P.